"THE FANS LIKE TO SEE HOME RUNS, AND WE HAVE ASSEMBLED A PITCHING STAFF FOR THEIR ENJOYMENT."
-
MINNESOTS TWINS
OWNER CALVIN GRIFFITH
I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.
Frank looked up his family tree and found he was the sap.
JOHN'S LAST WILL & TESTAMENT
John lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his
deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two
sons are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder to
be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready, he begins to
speak:
"My son, Doug, I want you to take the Ocean Reef
houses"
"My daughter Kelly, you take the apartments between mile
markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son, Kevin, I want you to take the offices over in the
Marathon Government Center."
"Cathy, my dear wife, please take all the residential
buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize
his extensive holdings, and as John slips away, the nurse says, "Your
husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this
property."
The wife replies, "He had a paper route."
The food in the monastery went from the frying pan into the friar.
The math teacher was afraid of negative numbers. He stopped at nothing to avoid them.
The Biologist: "When people confuse etymology with entomology it bugs me in ways I can't put into words."
The archery contest was won by an arrow margin.
EMPLOYMENT HISTORY
You want to know about my employment history?? Well...
- My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned -
couldn't concentrate.
- Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they
gave me the ax.
- After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly
because it was a so-so job.
- Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
- I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the
mustard.
- My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't
noteworthy.
- I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any
patience.
- I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my
net income.
- I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the
work was just too draining.
- I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to
it.
- After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a
historian until I realized there was no future in it.
- My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always
the same old grind.
- So, then I retired … and found out I was perfect for the job!
The chemical symbol for Iron is "FE" which means the literal translation of female is "IRON MAN".....
Tom: I started dating the girl in the adjacent house boat.
Jeff: How did it go?
Tom: Not well - we eventually drifted apart.
Tom: Someone stole our limbo stick!!
Jeff: How low can you go??
Will Rogers: "Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and their politicians as a joke."
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he'll sit in a boat all day.
Mary: Did your girlfriend really date that famous clown?
Larry: Yes, and he left me with some big shoes to fill.
Al: You're selling your wig for a dollar?
Sal: Yes, it's a small price toupee!
A group of geologists were dismayed to find out their latest theory about earthquakes was on shaky ground.
A man found some nice acreage upon which to build his house, but he couldn't concentrate on work because he had a lot to think about.
A baker's job is a piece of cake. Of course, if it's a special order, he'll rise to the occasion. It's the yeast he can do. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. But they stop making donuts when they get tired of the hole thing. In a bakery buns play a small roll. Tell a baker his cake has fallen and you'll get a rise out of him. To find out how business is doing, look at the pie chart. Old bakers never die, they just keep on making dough! (From: The Vendor)
TROUT TO HERRING: 'WHERE'S YOUR BROTHER?"
HERRING: "AM I MY BROTHER'S KIPPER?"
When it comes to eye jokes, the cornea the better.
SAID THE SHOPLIFTER, "I'VE GOT A FEW TWIX UP MY SLEEVE."
A night watchman never does a day's work.
When the magician was tied up, he was bound to get out.
When your child wants to learn how to drive
don't stand in their way.
CHRISTMAS JOKES
You’d Better be Good
Sarah and her thirteen-year-old
sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a
headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young
adolescent.
Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa
Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it
when children fight. This had little impact.
"I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the mother
said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother
asked "Mrs. Claus" (really Sarah's aunt; Santa's was busy)
if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described
to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said
that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents
Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be
watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.
Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa's remarks and
silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding
in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you,
dear?"
In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, "Santa said
he won't be bringing toys to my sister this year."
A Christmas Gift
A guy bought his wife a beautiful
diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I
thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake
Jeep?"
Christmas Firemen
In a small Southern town
there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and
talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three
wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a
reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quick
Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the
helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never
do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall
anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter
and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.
Sticking it in my face she said
"See, it says right
here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
On the Sunday before
Christmas a pastor was walking down a street on his way to see a parishioner.
However, he wanted to post a parcel urgently so he asked a young boy where he
could find the post office. When the boy had directed him, the minister
thanked him and said, 'If you'll come to the Church this evening, you can hear
me telling everyone how to get to heaven.' The boy replied, 'I think I'll give
your sermon a miss. If you don't even know your way to the post office, how
will you lead me to heaven?'
It was Christmas and the
judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What are you charged
with?”
“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the
defendant.
“That’s no offense,” said the judge. “How early
were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened,” countered the
prisoner.
Q: Why weren’t there any
nativity scenes in Washington D.C.?
A: They couldn’t find three wise men.
Some people like bicycles built for two, but I can't tandem.
I knew an archeologist - his career was in ruins.
PUNS FROM “KETTLE FIRE CREATIVE”
I knew a woman who owned a Taser. Man, was she stunning!
Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
Two antennas got married last Saturday. The reception was fantastic.
Writing
with a dull pencil is pointless.
How
do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler.
I
did a performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.
I wanted to buy a camouflage shirt, but I didn’t see one.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
Once
you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
His
theory on inertia never seemed to gain momentum.
Tim: At times like this, I wish I'd listened to what my mother always said.
Jim: What did she say?
Tim: I dunno. I never listened.
Jerry: What are you doing?
Terry: Heading out to buy some glasses.
Jerry: And then what?
Terry: I'll see.
PUNS FROM BESTLIFEONLINE.COM
(Caution - brake fluid is deadly - this is a joke - don't drink it)
PATIENT: "I KEEP HAVING A DREAM THAT I'M A TAILPIPE. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?"
DOCTOR: "YOU'RE EXHAUSTED!"
MIME TEACHER TO STUDENT: "YOU WON'T MAKE IT IN THIS FIELD."
STUDENT: "WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID?"
NOTE: I DON’T KNOW THE ORIGINS OF THIS SAD STORY.
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
**********************************************************************************
A MAN SWALLOWED A DICTIONARY. HE HAD THESAURUS THROAT EVER.
MY THEORY FOR WHY PEOPLE FALL OUT OF BED HAS BEEN DEBUNKED!
I WANTED TO WATCH THE ORIGAMI CHAMPIONSHIP ON TV....
BUT IT WAS ONLY AVAILABLE ON PAPER VIEW.
From Bob Schilling
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